evolution, revisited
04.25.05, 11:04 p.m.
I wanted to reply, though it's brief.
I was in the hospital Saturday/Sunday, so I feel like all kinds of crap. Migraines, can you believe it?
I realized finally that I will be 27 this year, and I don't have a degree yet.
I am currently involved in a relationship with a couple-- a man and a woman, both of whom are very good to me, and very much in love with each other, but are lifestyle polyamorous. For as long as they've been together (and for at least a decade before that), they have practiced loving in open relationships, and thus far, it works.
I mean, I adore them both. When we're together and even when we're not, I feel like I'm cherished and that I've got friends watching my back, because they are. And the relationships of course function independently of them being a couple-- so it's a bit like having three separate relationships; one with the guy, who's a geneticist, and very sexy, and a bit of a sadist which is how I've always liked it. He and I have been friends for years and have only recently moved into being sexual, and it works. We can just sleep together, which is nice.
The girl has her master's in social work, and is currently a case management team leader for a major insurance company, in a division that handles children who've been taken from abusive parents and placed into foster care. She recycles, and "freecycles", which is (over here in the US) a long-standing hippie-like movement where you inform people of stuff you have to give away, and then they come over and get it (and vice versa.) She and I are less sexual and more cuddly; we can watch movies together, and make out on the couch, or just go out to lunch because she works in Center City like I do, within walking distance really.
And as a couple, they both like to bicker amongst themselves, and treat me to home-cooked dinners and gourmet desserts (they like to outcook each other), and they like to tease me and make me blush, and we like to play board games and watch movies and just hang out.
I dunno why I've gone into this. I think it is because even though I have been dating them, I have unconsciously continued to search for this elusive "something better" without even acknowledging how awesome either of them are. I think I have been trying to find a new Becca-- she was the girl that I was madly in love with, after you. My female you, so to speak, in that I think I idealized that she was my perfect female much as I always thought you were my perfect male.
And I think I was always laboring under the idea that I could be in the kind of always-forever, just-me-and-him/her relationship. For me, that's so romantic, but it's not realistic. For one, I love variety in sex way too much. That's the other cool thing about these two-- they enjoy that as well. Nothing is taboo, and perhaps for the first time, I am comfortable in my own skin. I can't tell you how good that feels, to not worry for a small while about my body. As such, I think I've officially said good-bye to the concept of "faking it."
Tired of me rambling, yet? Me too. My head still kinda hurts, but I'm wide awake because I got in from work this afternoon and went straight to sleep. I took another percoset-- I should be falling asleep again any time soon. But I wanted to reply to you, and what you said. I just got distracted. You were talking about small wonders, and you were right. I think I was overly depressed and stressed out when I wrote that first note, so I forget about those. I still do, to be honest. Sometimes it can't all help but get buried beneath the muck of the day to day.
My boss apparently feels intimidated by my abilities; he has been taking the credit for work that I've done-- not in a, "Look what she did, I'm her manager!" sort of way, but a, "*I* created this, not her" sort of way. He's also been assigning me jobs of increasing difficulty, despite my expressing inability or lack of confidence in being able to complete to deadline. So I've been spending every waking hour worried about my work.
I am also moving in with the couple this summer, with my daughter, and that's scary. For one, I have to admit that I don't know how to raise a child. Maybe that's a saving grace, because it's not like I know what I should be teaching her, so what the hell, why not teach her all of it? Once we're away from my Christian mother, I plan on exploring paganism (even though my boyfriend is highly logical, I will not be the only one of his girlfriends who are involved with illogical religion) and I want to share that with Clorissa. But I want to do it in a way where she knows it's just an option, and maybe not even the *right* option.
It's such a responsibility. Not to mention, I have to disabuse her of this notion that all parents are mommy and daddy pairs, and that they have to get married. She's gotten that from TV I guess, or from my mom's religion, or just somewhere, I suppose. So now it's up to me to show her that it can work in other ways: that she can love another woman if she wants, or more than one person, or she could choose to be all by herself and love just herself if she wanted to. God. Blows my freaking mind.
You know what I miss? I miss the days when I could just roleplay all the time. When the most important thing was coming in from school and playing this freaking game, and hanging out with you, and trying to seduce Mats. Back when I was selfish and irresponsible and a liar and not worried about the future. Back when I was still a child and didn't care about how spoiled I was. I mean, some part of me misses that. That's really bad to say, isn't it.
And yet, I'm sorry at the same time if I've done anything to hurt you. It wasn't very nice of me, I know, to just disappear the way I've done so many times. Wasn't very nice of me to be dishonest with you, and there were many tiny dishonesties-- I guess I'll go into them some time, if we haven't already-- I know I've gone through many honest phases with people here, so I'm not sure if you and I have. You, however, have always been honest with me, about your expectations, about where we stand, about how you feel about everything-- I think that is why I have held you as this shining beacon of perfect companion. Someone to balance out my imperfections.
Maybe the point to this is that I've decided to try to make it out to Cali in June. Right now, the relaunch is going as scheduled, so it's always possible that they won't even need me around then. But if I can't, the point is that I think we're going to end up meeting anyhow. I mean, I always thought that Becca and I were destined to meet up (in a way, I still do, but that's another story). And I just realized that I've always thought the same with you.
It would be a dreadful shame for either of our lives to end without having ever hugged.
I guess I'll end this now. If you make it all the way through, I'll be amazed. *hug* Be good, okay?
I think I still love you,
(but in a healthy way)
/Misty